I really need some advice because I can't stop from hating myself and I don't know what to do anymore. A few years ago I started working in a strip bar first as a waitress and now as a stripper its not too bad I don't mind it most of the time. In the past six months I began supplementing my income by having sex with clients and other men who know me from the club because i'm not making enough money to live on, its the same situation for all the other girls here. The first time was bad, the 37th
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time was a blank. I feel so dead inside and wounded. I want to die. Last week a male cousin came to the bar when I was working and told my family and now everyone hates me. My auntie and her friends spit at me in the street and she makes all of her children call me whore. The cousin who came to the bar threatened my life. He said he would kill me if I don’t stop. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want better for my life I just don’t know how to get it. Why is my life so fucking hard? I’m a good person. I just need some help. Your blog really inspires me and i’m glad I found it. Don’t feel like you have to answer I understand, I just had to talk to somebody.
Dear, what you deserve right now is a big hug and lots of love. Of course you are a good person, and I am so glad that through all of your pain you are still able to recognise this fact. Never lose sight of it.
You are not alone, even though it may feel like it right now. Millions of women around the world are facing the exact same issues - it is an ongoing problem and has been for thousands of years. They say that prostitution was the first profession and I can well believe it. Nothing sells faster than sex.
This is the ugly side to poverty that we seldom get to see, for some reason it’s covered up and the focus kept on heartrending images of starving children dressed in rags begging with a tin cup. The truth is, the poor of the world, whether living in first or third world countries, have very few opportunities open to them and even less available help. When the choice is between slowly starving to death or having sex with a stranger for money to buy food, how many people don’t take the latter option? A common saying amongst the poor is “pride is for those who can afford it”. I have traveled a lot and seen many things - the beautiful and the horrific, but nothing haunts me more than the sight of starving young women and men and children, destitute and having to sell their bodies for pennies.
When did life become so cheap? And I fear the problem won’t go away by opening our purses and wallets and chucking money at it. As we are all too aware, seldom do charitable contributions ever reach its main target.
Sweetheart, what concerns me the most, is your self-hatred. I wish I knew when it began, before or after the prostitution? This might come as a surprise, but some of the best and closest friends I’ve ever had, were strippers and sex industry workers. It’s just a job. Possibly not the best or safest career around but nevertheless, still a job. The friends I had were reasonably happy with what they did, I guess because they found an adequate way to separate their personal lives from the way they chose to make money.
There is no shame in what you do sweetheart, although you might feel ashamed. Sex is a normal healthy function of the body and while it is ideal to do it only with the people that we love, I think we all know that in the real world it doesn’t always work out that way, especially so if we are without the guiding force of a strong support network - whether it happens to be family, friends or community.
How would you answer this question - Does your daily survival depend upon money earned from prostitution or can you earn enough without it to provide for all your basic needs, things like food, shelter, warmth, running water and electricity?
I ask because looking at what you’ve said, it seems as though the prostitution part is causing the majority of misery and self hate. Some people are able to mentally detach themselves sufficiently from situations that would prove psychologically damaging to most of us, but perhaps dear, you are not able to effect this type of detachment. It has nothing to do with being internally strong, we are all different and we emote in different ways.
If the situation is causing this much heartache, fear and family trouble, seek to withdraw from it. The extra cash you earn from selling sex is not worth your happiness, peace of mind and safety. What good will the money do if you are perpetually in a suicidal frame of mind?
I would suggest keeping a ledger, just a small note book will do, to write down all of your expenses. Keep track of everything, no matter how small. Look at the list and see what you can live without. Things like cigarettes if you smoke, alcohol if you drink. Cable/internet, instead of a cell/mobile phone plan choose a pay-as-you-go option. If you have a car, consider petrol costs and whether or not it would be better to sell it and use public transportation. Store brands are often equal to name brands but without the extra cost. Do you have credit card debts and loans with high interest rates that you can’t possibly pay? If so, filing for bankruptcy might be your best option. Do you rent or have a mortgage? Is it possible to take in a tenant? Look for all the many things that eat into your income, you might be surprised at how many things there are. The money that you save by being frugal and thrifty can go towards creating a new life for yourself. It will take time to dig yourself out of this hole but you may feel a lot better knowing that you have a plan and that there is an end in sight.
Your family are not behaving the way they should and that is heartbreaking to hear. I am sure if they reached out and made a concerted effort to help, you would get back on your feet a whole lot faster. Unfortunately some people tend to lash out and react with violence when they feel a part of their own way of life is threatened. They may have certain hang ups about sex and feel guilty through association. I don’t know, there are so many hidden factors involved.
It’s great that you are able to reach out and ask for help, it is not an easy thing to do when depression takes over. Dear, you mentioned the other girls in the club being in the same situation, are you friends with any of these girls? Talking to someone who is living through the same experience at the same time can be really supportive.
Please know that you are a worthy individual. Worthy of love and respect. Having less in life doesn’t mean that you are less of a person and it would be healthy to keep that in mind.
Vent as much as you need, it’s healthy and none of us here mind at all. It’s only tumblr and you are anonymous, no harm done. I can also be reached by email.
Peace & Love <3
2 years ago / 10 notes
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- gravitysmiles said: I just wanted to suggest going to a womens shelter while searching for another job. You are definitely a beautiful person, and this doesn’t define who you are!! Remember that! One day, this will be in the past. Just believe that you can and WILL <3
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- seriousputty said: Praying for this girl. <3
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